Aliens Hold Press Release Conference For Latest Upgrades In Anal Probe Technologies

Spokesman Bill Gates and Anthony Fauci deliver opening statements

Bill began:

"We have to keep everybody safe, so all peoples of the world are now required to have an implantable ancillary device embedded into their large intestinal canal at all times. This tech will also allow you to learn a new language in seconds, buy and sell at will, and have video conference with their loved ones wherever they are! The benefits are simply tremendous!"

The crowd ooo-ed and aaah-ed. He then proceeded:

"We assure you that these devices are BPA and pthalate free, environmentally friendly, and we're going to donate 10% of our profits to global warming."

An eager Apple fan exclaimed:

"An ancillary satellite that can do my taxes!?!? WHAT INOVATION!! They have done it again! SIGN ME UP!! I'll take 6 so I can get 6 times the benefit!!".

As a closing statement, an alien named )̵̻̦͉͕̟́̓̐̽̕͜#̵͎̝̙̾͘͠(̸̠͚͎͌̿̈́!̸̫̼͕̀̈́͠%̵̼̟̝͊̀͑$̵͎̦̙̓̒̒*̸͍͍̠͊̾̚Ș̴̢͖͛͒͑͊͆͝, commented:

"Free suckers will be given to the first 6 million customers."

A throng of investors and supporters immediately lined up.

FUN FACT: statistically, 9/10 people enjoy rape!

Don't let them probe you!

Fight to the death!

<:::::[]=¤༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ Stand back foul demons! <:::::[]=¤༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ

--Kevin